(By Kurt Gebhards)
* Kurt serves as the Pastor of Children’s Ministries at Grace Church.
One dynamic of Children’s Ministries at Grace Community Church is that most of the children we minister to come from Christian families. Many of them are blessed with the sound and systematic teaching from God’s Word both at home and in the church, and even sometimes in school. This is something to be grateful for, but it also presents a unique challenge to those of us in Children’s Ministries. While the world breeds rebels, the church can unwittingly breed hypocrites.
It is the sad testimony of church history that the works and expressions of sacrificial love and devotion of one generation of Christians can quickly turn into legalistic rules and regulations for the next. The convictions of the first generation become the caprice of the second. It is sad and shameful how quickly the Object of wonder and worship of a generation can become the boredom and betrayal of the next. Hypocrisy is an imminent and evident threat to the church of Jesus Christ.
Churched children are seldom given to outright defiance of authority; they are much more susceptible to the poison of Pharisaism. Hypocrisy in the heart is much more difficult to spot than disobedient behavior. The Bible gives us some definite character traits of the pretentious pietist, and here is what they may look like in a child:
His outward behavior and adherence to rules are driven by a desire to please men, not by a love for God with all his heart, soul, mind and strength (Mk. 12:30).
Doing good works and having them observed by adults is more important than the action itself (Mt. 6:5).
The child is openly obedient and responsive — asking to pray before bedtime with you — while maintaining a quietly deceitful and rebellious attitude (Gal. 6:7).
He scrupulously observes the letter of the law — like religiously bringing his Bible to church — but neglects the weightier spirit of the law — like sharing his favorite toys with his siblings (Mt. 23:23).
He craves the verbal praises and tangible rewards of his parents and teachers, but cares little for the approbation of God Himself (Jn. 12:43)
Left unchecked by the grace and Word of God, by the time such a child reaches his teenage years, hypocrisy can have entrenched itself.
This teen prefers well-defined, black and white rules, for they give him a sense of certainty that God must surely reward those achievements (Lk. 18:12).
He adds a layer of rules to the Word of God (like not watching any movies, not listening to popular music, et cetera), giving the impression that he holds to a higher standard than Holy Scripture (Mt. 23:4).
He tends to propose personal preferences as, or elevate them above, divine imperatives (Mt. 15:2-3).
He pursues perfectionism (Phil. 3:6), not excellence (Phil. 3:12-14).
He separates himself from others he considers of lesser cultural morality — people whose table manners, courtesy of speech, and refinement of mannerisms do not match middle-class norms (Lk. 15:1-2).
He is judgmental — he excels at fault-finding, he loves to pick verbal fights — and the standard by which he condemns others is not primarily biblical, but personal, preferential, or traditional (Mt. 7:5). He fights against many people, against many issues, but he does not know who he is fighting for.
Hypocrisy is the pretense of virtue or piousness that is contrary to one’s real character. And make no mistake, hypocrisy spreads like an unseen cancer. Everything appears alive and spiritually vital, then suddenly, the person is dull –and soon dead. The Lord specifically warned His disciples, “Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy.” (Lk. 12:1) Since hypocrisy is hidden deep within the recesses of the heart, it goes on unchecked and will hollow out its victim from the inside.
One of the dangers is that these outwardly compliant children receive much approval from parents and teachers. So they are encouraged to continue the duplicity unless anti-hypocritical measures are employed. We can certainly teach and militate against hypocrisy in the following ways:
Instead of just dealing with external behavior issues, we should seize every opportunity to help children understand that it is their hearts that generate their actions (Mt. 15:19). In His judgment of man, God looks at the heart (1 Sam.16:7). We should never equate occasions of good behavior (professions of love for Jesus, acts of compliance, et cetera) with saving faith in Jesus. We need to go beyond fixing wrong behavior to helping the child understand that his evil heart can only be changed by the Lord in regeneration.
Emphasize the affections of NT religion. Make sure that we are not just aiming at a young person’s understanding, but that we reach for the heart and its affections.
Do not encourage children to exhibit their talents and gifts to impress others. They should be reminded that all that they are and have are gifts of grace from God (1 Cor. 4:7), and they should not regard themselves more highly than they ought (Rom. 12:3).
Teach the truth about integrity — which comes from the word for “integer” or “whole.” For a child with integrity, whichever way you turn them, they look they same. Who they are at church, is who they are in school, is who they are at home. This is what our kids should be.
Do not be afraid to share our spiritual and moral failures with children in instances where they can identify with our shortcomings. This allows us to be authentic with them. It also allows us to demonstrate our response to God when we have done wrong, and our reliance on Him to continue molding our hearts.
Be authentic in your love for Christ. Genuine desire for Christ is not easily faked. Let your zeal be a barometer by which they measure their own affection for Christ.
Hypocrisy is an insidious danger in Children’s Ministries today. It also threatens each individual home. As parents, it is our job to honor the intention of Psalm 78:4-6:
We will not conceal [the Word of God] from their children, But tell to the generations to come the praises of the LORD, and His strength and His wondrous works that He has done, that they should teach [the law] to their children, that the generation to come might know, even the children yet to be born, That they may arise and tell them to their children.
“He adds a layer of rules to the Word of God (like not watching any movies, not listening to popular music, et cetera), giving the impression that he holds to a higher standard than Holy Scripture (Mt. 23:4).”
I wonder, if we are honest, how many of today’s popular movies and much of the popular music truly meets the criteria of Philippians 4:8. I read a critique of the movie Sex in the City found in Christianity Today-http://www.christianitytoday.com/movies/reviews/2008/sexandthecity.html. The bottom line was teens shouldn’t watch and maybe some adults, but the more mature could handle and maybe learn from it. While there is great concern about raising children who are hypocrites, let us also be concerned about rearing children who are worldly–influenced by the godless and vain philosophy of the age.
Good article!
Satan can work from both ends of the spectrum to penetrate the center of the heart.
Be neither lawless, nor pharasaic.
Easier said than done. Applicable not only to children, but to adults as well.
Great article and something that I have been thinking about recently. I feel as though my zeal for Reformed Theology has caused me to be much more prideful and self-seeking for this very reason. The idea of mortifying the flesh and self-examinations has made me quite prideful in a way that was almost unseen. No one really expects pride to come in this way (where we are so consumed with personal holiness that we think far too much about our own life and not that of others). It can really get out of hand – and has with me.
Here is a question for the Pulpit Magazine to answer … What are some practical things to do (or what can you teach a person) when you have concluded that you are one of the hypocrites as mentioned in this article – not a child, but full blown adult? What sort of things can help?
I have been excited to know that I am at least aware of the problem which means that God is dealing with me and the Spirit is making changes. I have been praying about this asking God to continue to break my pride and soften my heart as well as make me less legalistic about myself and things around me.
Kurt,
I loved your article and totally agree. As I have been preaching through Luke, I see a pattern that helps to identify the dyanmics that separate true believers from Pharisees. The Pharisee has no sense of his own guilt before God. He becomes angry if anyone suggests he is a sinner. The true believer knows he is a sinner and cannot believe that God could be so merciful as to offer forgiveness through the gospel. The true believer, as he actually grows in sanctification, becomes even more aware of how sinful he is (an more thankful for mercy).
I have seen children of believers who did become such Pharisees as you warn about; only to become horribly sinful later. When one major failure brings down their external facade of “holiness”; they become convinced it is hopeless and that they might as well live wicked lives. In one such case, the Lord eventually revealed the true gospel to the person and a brought the grace of regeneration.
Thanks for the great article.
Dear brother Kurt,
I am glad to see much of my thoughts confirmed as I consider my little son (2 yr old), as a sinner (As indeed we all have been), needing the same grace that I do (And continue to rely upon), day by day.
I trust that he will see our honesty as parents and that he will be moved to express the truth in love, as he sees the Spirit of grace and truth actively involved in sanctifying us by the Word of truth found in Scripture alone, actively transforming our lives to Christ’s.
By grace alone
I wept while reading this article as it was detailing my 18- year- old, homeschool graduate daughter. Mandy had us all fooled; the Pastors,their wives, others in ministry…as she sat teaching preschoolers about Christ’s love,she knew nothing of it in her own heart.As she worked along side me in music ministry and played piano and organ for services,their was no shout of joy within her spirit.We did everything by the “raise a Godly kid” book with Mandy and she sure did learn “Churchianity. Her personal testimony convinced a very mature, Godly Pastor for her baptism at 10-years old. No “bad” music, movies or evil influences for our daughter.We trained our little Pharisee well.One week after her 18th birthday, I came home from caring for my dieing Aunt to find Mandy gone.We are not sure where she is or with who.The last my husband knew of her whereabouts,she had found an unsaved boy to live with and naturally this has devastated my husband. We,of course never alowed dating or interaction with guys,so God only knows what prey she has become.I believe with all my heart, it would have taken a person of unparalelled discernment to have seen this coming and she has left many hearts reeling. Parents,read this article with your heart and eyes open. You may not like what you read, but if you find yourself becoming defensive,look a little closer.
Thanks Kurt! At least one of our three has a lot of her mama in her, and therefore is quite prone to the phariasaism you’ve described. It’s both scary and frustrating at times to find and expose the sin underlying her outwardly compliant actions. I appreciate your list and hints for raising her, and all of our children, to love and serve God from the heart!
My son sent this link to me. I don’t know if he’s suggesting or comparing. He’s 20 though and understands grace pretty well, so I’m hoping he’s seen us live out what I’ve taught for years about grace parenting. Good post.
God bless,
Ron Edmondson
http://www.ronedmondson.com
Dear LuAnne W.,
Your story grieves my heart deeply. Thank you for having the courage to share your pain. May our Good and Gracious God restore your prodigal daughter and bring her back to you and Him.
I am a parent and your story is my nightmare.
Here’s a link that I just read today: Living on Borrowed Grace
Correction. “… your story would be a nightmare for me.”
LuAnne – I share your story only with me it’s a son, not a daughter. My struggle with guilt and self-recrimination is a daily one but God is faithful and I am so thankful nothing – not even this great heartache – can separate me from His love. Prayer and His word keep me sane and determined to shed my tears but never lose my joy or my hope. God bless you.
Great article. Young parents, please heed it.
Pastor Gebbhards:
While I find the mass majority of you article very good, I did have a difficulty with one statement made regarding a teen not listening to secular music or watching secular movies as a sign of self-righteousness. I have worked in youth ministry for over 20 years and have never, ever seen a child who listens to secular music and attend secular movies absent from the effects from that form of entertainment. To suggest that a child that chooses not to participate in thes forms of activities out of their love of a Holy God that commands holiness is wrong and is not necessarily a sign of a Pharisee in the making. I believe that we will eventually become what we watch and what we listen to. Do not, for the sake of your position as a leader of children, ever promote music or entertainment that does not glorify God. It will eventually show up in the childrens’ lives as bad fruit. We are commanded not to ’cause these little ones to stumble’ as there is a huge consequence to them and to leaders. We cannot play with the world and come out untainted. “A little yeast will spoil the whole batch.”
Sincerely,
Jean
HI,
Thank you for this magnificent article! A friend of mine posted a link to this article as a comment to a recent blog post of mine, which I hope you’ll read, because it echos some of what’s in this article. God works in amazingly beautiful ways.
http://pursuingholiness.blogspot.com/2008/12/word-of-god.html
Merry Christmas!
Mel
Jacob,
I’ve been through what you’re dealing with and struggle with it to this day. Especially when someone is new to reformed thinking, pride tends to be an issue as we look around and wonder why everyone else is not as enlightened as us. My first year of pastoral ministry was loaded with pride as I threw one bomb after another at the modern church and those who hold to poor doctrine. It is a fine line that we walk between defending and standing for truth and being prideful. We must remember that we are always and will be always saved by the grace of God, and may we remember that He has led us into truth. Humble yourself brother and may God bless you!