Comments on: Ways Parents Provoke

By: Krissy

Krissy — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 17:44:01 +0000

I wish I had read this a long time ago. My mom and I got into a fight and she used the ten commandments on me, saying that I didn’t honor her and that God won’t forgive me for it and all I did was stand up for myself. She told me I had lost my salvation and was going to burn in hell for it. SHe is always using the Bible to control me. Is this right for her to do?

By: Mrs. J

Mrs. J — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 13:11:25 +0000

In reading this post and these comments I Corinthians 1 came to mind. I was the rebellious child, and I have also been in a situation where the sins and rebellion of others has hurt me deeply.

When I am dealing with the sins of those near me it helps me to recite I Corinthians 13 over and over, remind myself that above everything else I am called to LOVE and then take great encouragement in the truth that love NEVER FAILS.

If we are focusing on loving those whom God has placed in our lives according to His Word, not ignoring the wrongs, but putting our full energy into forgiving and loving, then we cannot possibly fail.

Most of these instances of provocation appear to be those where the parent is not truly loving the child.

By: Daryl

Daryl — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:45:26 +0000

Wow, that’s a toughie Diahanne. That’s something I’ve not had to deal with as our oldest is only 9.

All I can say is to remember that, ultimately, your son’s salvation is between him and God, not you and him.
Keep loving him, keep discipling him, keep praying for him.

By: Diahanne

Diahanne — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:36:22 +0000

Thank you Daryl. That is very helpful. My husband and I do “stay on them” about repentance. We seek for true confession and restoration. And yes, I totally agree, once forgiven–it’s forgiven.
Our son is approaching 13 years old. He is not in what a person would call “rebellion”, yet he has not yet chosen to follow God. He has asked the Lord to be His Savior. We stay on HIm about this, but our focus is doing this in love and gentleness. I have found scripture that teaches us that we are compelled to obey God because of his love and kindness…so we are trying to keep this as our focus. Trying to mimic the pattern in which God draws his children.
I do wonder how the principles in church discipline would carry over into our the home with our children? Any thoughts there? Thanks

By: Daryl

Daryl — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:08:54 +0000

Diahanne,

With my kids I’ve chosen to push the issue until repentance does happen. I make it an issue. Children can be “forced” to repent, particularly when they are young. But what is highly important is that they know that the moment I say “I forgive you” all is well, we can laugh again.
As far as God being silent, as long as we have his Word and are willing to read it, he is never silent. I expect that feeling “silence” from God comes as a result of our own guilt making us unwilling to read. (I know it’s that way for me…)

So to teach them, I’d say, stay on them until repentance comes. Don’t let it not happen. That’s how we shown them that God is not indifferent, when they see that their repentance is a matter or personal responsibility, for us. Just as God is the one who grants repentance in our lives, so we must work to “grant repentance” in our kids lives.
That way they’ll see that while our relationship changes somewhat, when we are unrepentant, it doesn’t stop, in fact it becomes more intense.
(I have 5 of my own…it works, really)

By: Diahanne

Diahanne — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 23:06:02 +0000

How do our children learn that when they sin they do cause a disturbance in their relationship with God? I believe that God’s love is unconditional–he justified me without any strings. However, in our everyday walk with him, while positionally His love is never witheld, in his discipline He may remain silent so that I will miss Him and come to repentance. I guess I was thinking it is important for our children to learn that God is never indifferent to effects of our sin, that our sin can quench the spirit to the point that He may be silent in their lives until they come to repentance–at times He removes the peace…how do I do this as a parent? I am not sure that it is the best thing to go on as if business as usual when there is sin in the relationship. Sin that has not been confessed and repented of.

By: Jackie

Jackie — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 20:31:22 +0000

Hi Carla

Your post was a word for me today. So glad you posted it. The article itself was awesome; and your post along with that parent’s passage at the end of point 8 were the most meaningful to me specifically at this time. When people share like this it helps some of us weaker ones to know there are others out there going through the same things. Telling us about your personal family dynamics really helps people like me. THANKS!!!

Jackie
NC

By: Carla Rolfe

Carla Rolfe — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 14:09:06 +0000

Truth Unites… and Divides asked:

“Thanks Pastor John for this most timely post! Yet I do wonder if some children are all too easily provoked. I.e., overly thin-skinned and too ready to take offense where no offense is taken or meant.”

While I am certainly not a parenting expert, I do have seven children and I will have to answer YES to this question, but with a big disclaimer. In our family, we have a broad range of personalities from outgoing and “thick skinned” to extremely introverted and emotionally sensitive. As of January of this year I’ve been a mom for 25 years, and I’m still learning how to best interact and keep a good balance between all the kids (some grown, and some still at home).

Our most introverted daughter has taught us to be far more gracious and sensitive to her reaction, while we’re able to be considerably more outgoing with our “thick skinned” kids. A joke that our 9 year old might heartily laugh over, our 22 year old (or 7 year old) might find insulting or simply not understand at all. It’s definitely a balancing act between such extreme personalities, but it’s one that as parents we have to recognize right away, and make allowances or exceptions for, for their benefit (and at the same time do our very best to teach them understanding, i.e., learning how not to take everything so personally). Being a Christian parent and learning how to navigate personalities in your own home, is a very important aspect of good and godly parenting.

Even after 25 years of doing it, I’m still learning. It’s definitely hard work. I very much appreciated this post, and only wish I would have had this list (this is definitely “post on the fridge” material) when I was a young mom.

By: Andy Wood

Andy Wood — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 02:06:19 +0000

One other thought, if I may add to this profound list. I believe fathers can provoke their children to wrath by neglect – in leaving them “chained to the nest.” A father’s role is to call his children out into the world as adults to serve the Lord and to raise up a new generation of godly influencers. This is in tension with a mother’s instinct to be a nest builder.

When dads are absentees, too busy, or too detatched from their children to teach them to be men or women (as opposed to just children or adolescents), those neglected children often become resentful without completely understanding why. I think Eli, in 1 Samuel, could be an example of this.

By: carissa

carissa — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 19:22:48 +0000

But, Diahanne, when we disobey God, though we may “feel” distant, in reality we are not! At least not if we are truly His. We are just as close, and just as loved. The love was never conditional to begin with – not before we were saved, and not after, either. I think that for some children (and grownups too!) it is very common to feel immense “unlovableness” when we sin, to the point that we want to push away those who love us and hide our faces in shame. I was such a child! In these cases especially, it’s really important for a parent to reiterate that the discipline is out of love, not anger, or else you may create a very guilt-ridden, or simply resentful, child.