Ways Parents Provoke
April 9th, 2008
(By John MacArthur)
In Ephesians 6:4, Paul writes, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” In our series these last two weeks, we’ve looked at both discipline (specifically, spanking) and instruction (specifically, evangelism). Today, we will look at the command to not provoke.
To “provoke . . . to anger” suggests a repeated, ongoing pattern of treatment that gradually builds up a deep–seated anger and resentment that boils over in outward hostility.
Such treatment is usually not intended to provoke anger. Here are eight ways in which parents can provoke their children to anger:
1) Well–meaning overprotection is a common cause of resentment in children. Parents who smother their children, overly restrict where they can go and what they can do, never trust them to do things on their own, and continually question their judgment build a barrier between themselves and their children—usually under the delusion that they are building a closer relationship. Children need careful guidance and certain restrictions, but they are individual human beings in their own right and must learn to make decisions on their own, commensurate with their age and maturity. Their wills can be guided but they cannot be controlled.
2) Another common cause of provoking children to anger is favoritism. Isaac favored Esau over Jacob and Rebekah preferred Jacob over Esau. That dual and conflicting favoritism not only caused great trouble for the immediate family but has continued to have repercussions in the conflicts between the descendants of Jacob and Esau until our present day! For parents to compare their children with each other, especially in the children’s presence, can be devastating to the child who is less talented or favored. He will tend to become discouraged, resentful, withdrawn, and bitter.
Favoritism by parents generally leads to favoritism among the children themselves, who pick up the practice from their parents. They will favor one brother or sister over the others and will often favor one parent over the other.
3) A third way parents provoke their children is by pushing achievement beyond reasonable bounds. A child can be so pressured to achieve that he is virtually destroyed. He quickly learns that nothing he does is sufficient to please his parents. No sooner does he accomplish one goal than he is challenged to accomplish something better. Fathers who fantasize their own achievements through the athletic skills of their sons, or mothers who fantasize a glamorous career through the lives of their daughters prostitute their responsibility as parents.
I once visited a young woman who was confined to a padded cell and was in a state of catatonic shock. She was a Christian and had been raised in a Christian family, but her mother had ceaselessly pushed her to be the most popular, beautiful, and successful girl in school. She became head cheerleader, homecoming queen, and later a model. But the pressure to excel became too great and she had a complete mental collapse. After she was eventually released from the hospital, she went back into the same artificial and demanding environment. When again she found she could not cope, she committed suicide. She had summed up her frustration when she told me one day, “I don’t care what it is I do, it never satisfies my mother.”
4) A fourth way children are provoked is by discouragement. A child who is never complimented or encouraged by his parents is destined for trouble. If he is always told what is wrong with him and never what is right, he will soon lose hope and become convinced that he is incapable of doing anything right. At that point he has no reason even to try. Parents can always find something that a child genuinely does well, and they should show appreciation for it. A child needs approval and encouragement in things that are good every bit as much as he needs correction in things that are not.
5) A fifth way provocation occurs is by parents’ failing to sacrifice for their children and making them feel unwanted. Children who are made to feel that they are an intrusion, that they are always in the way and interfere with the plans and happiness of the parents, cannot help becoming resentful. To such children the parents themselves will eventually become unwanted and an intrusion on the children’s plans and happiness.
6) A sixth form of provocation comes from failing to let children grow up at a normal pace. Chiding them for always acting childish, even when what they do is perfectly normal and harmless, does not contribute to their maturity but rather helps confirm them in their childishness.
7) A seventh way of angering children is that of using love as a tool of reward or punishment—granting it when a child is good and withdrawing it when he is bad. Often the practice is unconscious, but a child can sense if a parent cares for him less when is he disobedient than when he behaves. That is not how God loves and is not the way he intends human parents to love. God disciplines His children just as much out of love as He blesses them. “Those whom the Lord loves He disciplines” (Heb. 12:6). Because it is so easy to punish out of anger and resentment, parents should take special care to let their children know they love them when discipline is given.
An eighth way to provoke children is by physical and verbal abuse. Battered children are a growing tragedy today. Even Christian parents—fathers especially—sometimes overreact and spank their children much harder than necessary. Proper physical discipline is not a matter of exerting superior authority and strength, but of correcting in love and reasonableness. Children are also abused verbally. A parent can as easily overpower a child with words as with physical force. Putting him down with superior arguments or sarcasm can inflict serious harm, and provokes him to anger and resentment. It is amazing that we sometimes say things to our children that we would not think of saying to anyone else—for fear of ruining our reputation!
In closing, consider the confession of one Christian father,
My family’s all grown and the kids are all gone. But if I had to do it all over again, this is what I would do. I would love my wife more in front of my children. I would laugh with my children more—at our mistakes and our joys. I would listen more, even to the littlest child. I would be more honest about my own weaknesses, never pretending perfection. I would pray differently for my family; instead of focusing on them, I’d focus on me. I would do more things together with my children. I would encourage them more and bestow more praise. I would pay more attention to little things, like deeds and words of thoughtfulness. And then, finally, if I had to do it all over again, I would share God more intimately with my family; every ordinary thing that happened in every ordinary day I would use to direct them to God.
(Today’s article adapted from John’s commentary on Ephesians, published by Moody.)
What about the parallelism of failing to train them up in “the discipline and instruction of the Lord”? Since this is in the text, I find it passing strange that it rarely makes the list when this positive instruction is the point of Paul’s exhortation.
David,
I think the thrust of the article is about what parents do wrong. It is summarized out of Dr. MacArthur’s commentary on Ephesians. But I suppose that in addition to the closing comments of a Christian father, the text to which you refer could have been included as a counter balancing parallelism. When parents neglect bringing their children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord they lay the ground work for provoking them…
Thank you for this much needed reminder for me as a parent to be more aware of my parenting practice. I think that I do some of these with Godly intentions, but the reality is I’m provoking my children. Things I need to think more carefully and thoroughly about. Thank you again for pointing me toward Godliness in my parenting.
Thanks Pastor John for this most timely post! Yet I do wonder if some children are all too easily provoked. I.e., overly thin-skinned and too ready to take offense where no offense is taken or meant.
I also think these thoughts with regards to theo/political liberals, postmodern emergers, PC secular humanists, and anyone else who thinks respectful disagreement is heinous abuse.
Thank you for this reminder on how parents can provoke their children, I needed it when I was raising my children. As a grandma now there are so many things I wish I could go back and do, but by the grace of God He is faithful to know and heal what I didnt do right. I hope the next generation with their children will want to do it godly and right.
Thanks Pastor …this is timely and needed for this generation, to be reminded and to remember is a very good thing! How grateful I am that we are.
Maybe I’m missing something, but the first paragraph states this is part of a series from the past two weeks. I don’t see the earlier articles. Could you tell me where to find the other articles? Thanks.
I was wondering if you could expand more on #7. When I disobey God I do “sense” a distance from Him. I think it is a reality when we disobey we hurt the relationship and feel the effects of that. How can I communicate to my child that this is true, without provoking him by withholding my love and care?
Thanks!
What great reminders. So very helpful and encouraging.
But, Diahanne, when we disobey God, though we may “feel” distant, in reality we are not! At least not if we are truly His. We are just as close, and just as loved. The love was never conditional to begin with – not before we were saved, and not after, either. I think that for some children (and grownups too!) it is very common to feel immense “unlovableness” when we sin, to the point that we want to push away those who love us and hide our faces in shame. I was such a child! In these cases especially, it’s really important for a parent to reiterate that the discipline is out of love, not anger, or else you may create a very guilt-ridden, or simply resentful, child.
One other thought, if I may add to this profound list. I believe fathers can provoke their children to wrath by neglect – in leaving them “chained to the nest.” A father’s role is to call his children out into the world as adults to serve the Lord and to raise up a new generation of godly influencers. This is in tension with a mother’s instinct to be a nest builder.
When dads are absentees, too busy, or too detatched from their children to teach them to be men or women (as opposed to just children or adolescents), those neglected children often become resentful without completely understanding why. I think Eli, in 1 Samuel, could be an example of this.
Truth Unites… and Divides asked:
“Thanks Pastor John for this most timely post! Yet I do wonder if some children are all too easily provoked. I.e., overly thin-skinned and too ready to take offense where no offense is taken or meant.”
While I am certainly not a parenting expert, I do have seven children and I will have to answer YES to this question, but with a big disclaimer. In our family, we have a broad range of personalities from outgoing and “thick skinned” to extremely introverted and emotionally sensitive. As of January of this year I’ve been a mom for 25 years, and I’m still learning how to best interact and keep a good balance between all the kids (some grown, and some still at home).
Our most introverted daughter has taught us to be far more gracious and sensitive to her reaction, while we’re able to be considerably more outgoing with our “thick skinned” kids. A joke that our 9 year old might heartily laugh over, our 22 year old (or 7 year old) might find insulting or simply not understand at all. It’s definitely a balancing act between such extreme personalities, but it’s one that as parents we have to recognize right away, and make allowances or exceptions for, for their benefit (and at the same time do our very best to teach them understanding, i.e., learning how not to take everything so personally). Being a Christian parent and learning how to navigate personalities in your own home, is a very important aspect of good and godly parenting.
Even after 25 years of doing it, I’m still learning. It’s definitely hard work. I very much appreciated this post, and only wish I would have had this list (this is definitely “post on the fridge” material) when I was a young mom.
Hi Carla
Your post was a word for me today. So glad you posted it. The article itself was awesome; and your post along with that parent’s passage at the end of point 8 were the most meaningful to me specifically at this time. When people share like this it helps some of us weaker ones to know there are others out there going through the same things. Telling us about your personal family dynamics really helps people like me. THANKS!!!
Jackie
NC
How do our children learn that when they sin they do cause a disturbance in their relationship with God? I believe that God’s love is unconditional–he justified me without any strings. However, in our everyday walk with him, while positionally His love is never witheld, in his discipline He may remain silent so that I will miss Him and come to repentance. I guess I was thinking it is important for our children to learn that God is never indifferent to effects of our sin, that our sin can quench the spirit to the point that He may be silent in their lives until they come to repentance–at times He removes the peace…how do I do this as a parent? I am not sure that it is the best thing to go on as if business as usual when there is sin in the relationship. Sin that has not been confessed and repented of.
Diahanne,
With my kids I’ve chosen to push the issue until repentance does happen. I make it an issue. Children can be “forced” to repent, particularly when they are young. But what is highly important is that they know that the moment I say “I forgive you” all is well, we can laugh again.
As far as God being silent, as long as we have his Word and are willing to read it, he is never silent. I expect that feeling “silence” from God comes as a result of our own guilt making us unwilling to read. (I know it’s that way for me…)
So to teach them, I’d say, stay on them until repentance comes. Don’t let it not happen. That’s how we shown them that God is not indifferent, when they see that their repentance is a matter or personal responsibility, for us. Just as God is the one who grants repentance in our lives, so we must work to “grant repentance” in our kids lives.
That way they’ll see that while our relationship changes somewhat, when we are unrepentant, it doesn’t stop, in fact it becomes more intense.
(I have 5 of my own…it works, really)
Thank you Daryl. That is very helpful. My husband and I do “stay on them” about repentance. We seek for true confession and restoration. And yes, I totally agree, once forgiven–it’s forgiven.
Our son is approaching 13 years old. He is not in what a person would call “rebellion”, yet he has not yet chosen to follow God. He has asked the Lord to be His Savior. We stay on HIm about this, but our focus is doing this in love and gentleness. I have found scripture that teaches us that we are compelled to obey God because of his love and kindness…so we are trying to keep this as our focus. Trying to mimic the pattern in which God draws his children.
I do wonder how the principles in church discipline would carry over into our the home with our children? Any thoughts there? Thanks
Wow, that’s a toughie Diahanne. That’s something I’ve not had to deal with as our oldest is only 9.
All I can say is to remember that, ultimately, your son’s salvation is between him and God, not you and him.
Keep loving him, keep discipling him, keep praying for him.
In reading this post and these comments I Corinthians 1 came to mind. I was the rebellious child, and I have also been in a situation where the sins and rebellion of others has hurt me deeply.
When I am dealing with the sins of those near me it helps me to recite I Corinthians 13 over and over, remind myself that above everything else I am called to LOVE and then take great encouragement in the truth that love NEVER FAILS.
If we are focusing on loving those whom God has placed in our lives according to His Word, not ignoring the wrongs, but putting our full energy into forgiving and loving, then we cannot possibly fail.
Most of these instances of provocation appear to be those where the parent is not truly loving the child.
I wish I had read this a long time ago. My mom and I got into a fight and she used the ten commandments on me, saying that I didn’t honor her and that God won’t forgive me for it and all I did was stand up for myself. She told me I had lost my salvation and was going to burn in hell for it. SHe is always using the Bible to control me. Is this right for her to do?