Common Parent Traps
November 14th, 2007
(By John MacArthur)
If you’ve been a parent for any time at all, it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that your child came into the world with an insatiable faculty for evil. Even before birth, your baby’s little heart was already programmed for sin and selfishness. The inclination toward depravity is such that, given free reign, every baby has the potential to become a monster.
Original sin is the biblical doctrine that explains your child’s sinful proclivity. It means children do not come into the world seeking God and righteousness. They do not even come into the world with a neutral innocence. They come into the world seeking the fulfillment of sinful and selfish desires. Scripture also teaches a doctrine called total depravity, referring to the extent of original sin. Although the outworking of the sin nature does not necessarily attain full expression in everyone’s behavior, it is nonetheless called total depravity because there is no aspect of the human personality, character, mind, emotions, or will that is free from the corruption of sin or immune to sin’s enticements.
Put bluntly, sin is not learned—it is an inbred disposition. Your kids got their sinful nature from you, you got it from your parents, your parents got it from their parents, and so on, all the way back to Adam. In other words, Adam’s fall tainted the entire human race with sin. Both the guilt and the corruption of sin are universal. The apostle Paul wrote, “Through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned” (Rom. 5:12, emphasis added). “Through one transgression there resulted condemnation to all men” (v. 18), meaning we inherited the guilt of sin. And “through the one man’s disobedience the many were made sinners” (v. 19), meaning we inherited the corruption of sin. No one is exempt. No one is born truly innocent.
That means that left to themselves, your children will pursue a course of sin. And left entirely to themselves, there is no evil of which they are incapable. You may find that hard to swallow, especially when you see them as newborns. Infants seem to be the very epitome of chaste, precious, childlike innocence. But don’t let the cute cheeks, the playful coos, and the bright eyes fool you — those children are a miniature version of you! The depravity that lives in their hearts is just waiting for the opportunity to express itself.
So how should the doctrines of original sin and total depravity impact your parenting? Before I answer that, let me show you three parenting approaches that miss the mark.
Trap #1: Focusing on Behavior
Many parents go off track by focusing all their efforts on controlling their child’s behavior. Be careful. If you concentrate all your energies on correcting external behavior, or staving off misbehavior with threats of discipline, you may be doing little more than training a hypocrite.
I’ve seen that happen repeatedly. I know Christian parents who think their parenting is successful because they’ve taught their children to act politely on cue, to answer with “Yes, Sir” and “No, Ma’am,” and to speak to adults when spoken to. While that kind of behavior control may appear to work wonders for a time (especially when the parents are nearby), it does not address the root problem of depravity. Sinful behavior is a symptom of a sinful heart.
Trap #2: Focusing on Environment
Other parents try to control their child’s environment. They attempt to build a cocoon around their kids to isolate them from bad influences. They restrict their children’s exposure to television, ban popular music from the home, and sometimes forbid contact with children whose parents may not share their same parenting philosophy.
While I do think you should shield your kids from the experience of evil, you need to teach them to be wise and discerning when confronted with evil. They won’t learn those lessons if they are completely isolated. The isolationist approach merely produces naïve children who are gullible and vulnerable, defenseless in the world.
Try as you might, you won’t be able to isolate your children forever. When the day comes that they venture out into the world, they need to be prepared with discernment skills and wisdom to detect and resist the enticements of the devil and the world. If you choose to shield them from an evil environment, you are ignoring the enemy within them — a depraved heart. But if you win the heart, you win the child.
Trap #3: Focusing on Self-Esteem
A very prevalent approach today is to build a child’s self-esteem. That method assumes that if a child sees himself as good, noble, and wonderful, he’ll not only behave better, but he will also treat others better. This method turns self-love into a virtue.
The truth is that much of the modern effort to spark kids’ self-esteem is simply pouring gasoline on a runaway fire. It encourages already selfish kids to think they are justified in wanting their own way. It makes you as a parent think you have to defer to the child, no matter what, because the child has a right to express himself freely, so he feels good about himself. All of that only escalates out-of-control behavior and feeds the worst tendencies of human depravity. Want to ensure that your child will become a delinquent? Feed his self-esteem and then compound the problem by refusing to correct him when he is wrong.
Self-esteem is based on an unbiblical perspective that denies original sin and the doctrine of total depravity. The Bible has nothing positive to say about self-esteem, self-love, or any other variety of self-centeredness. It teaches your child to deny himself, not love himself (Luke 9:23).
The Right Approach: Focusing on the Heart
There’s only one remedy for your child’s inborn depravity: the new birth—regeneration. As Jesus said to Nicodemus, “That which is born of flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit… [Therefore,] you must be born again” (John 3:6-7). “Born of the flesh” with a sinful bent, your children have no power to free themselves from sin’s bondage. They lack the Holy Spirit and thus have no capacity to please God or obey Him from the heart (cf. Rom. 8:7-8). Until your children are born again, they are dead in “trespasses and sins” (Eph. 2:1).
So your top priority as a parent is to be an evangelist in your home. You need to teach your children the law of God, show them their need for a Savior, and point them to Jesus Christ as the only One who can save them. If they grow up in your home without a keen awareness of their need for salvation, you have failed as a parent in your primary task as their spiritual leader. Teach them the gospel and ask God to perform His sovereign work of regeneration.
One word of caution about that — if you try to force, coerce, or manipulate your kids into a profession of faith, you may pressure them into making a false profession. The new birth is a work of the Holy Spirit, and your child’s salvation is a matter that must ultimately be settled between him and God.
Don’t approach parenting by focusing on the symptoms rather than the heart. If you attempt to modify your children’s behavior, isolate them, or bolster their self-esteem, you will not only exacerbate the problem, you will fail to reach to the heart of the matter. But if you teach them about their sin and need for the Savior, and if you live a life that models what you are teaching them to be, you can rest your hope in God’s grace for the salvation of your children.
Pastor John,
Since children are born totally depraved, What do tell a mother whose baby passes away? Are they in Hell because they never made a profession of faith? Can a God who knows your baby before it was formed in the womb, send he/she to hell for not making a public profession? or is there some kind of special grace or age of accountability? and How do you explain this biblically?
Hello Richard,
But here are a my thoughts.
I am not Pastor John.
1. It is true we are all born sinners, and sin separates from God. So what must a person do to be separated from God? Obsolutely nothing because since the moment of conception we are defective (Psalm. 51:5).
2. I do think that there is an “age of accountability.” I think this is different for every child, and of course Scripture doesn’t state an age.
However, Isa. 7:16 states what I think is interesting - I realize this is reference to the Messiah, but it seems that it is stated with the understanding this is common to all children. Here it is: “For before the child shall know to refuse the evil, and choose the good,…”
I understand that to mean that there is a time in every child’s life where that child is conciously mature to be able to make, may I say so, a choice regarding good and evil.
I could be wrong, but my thinking is that before a child reaches that age, the child is covered by God’s grace.
Richard,
I had the same question awhile back ago. I found the following from Pasotr John. There are 2 parts. This is part 1. You can find part two also. Hope this helps.
http://www.biblebb.com/files/MAC/80-242.htm
Hey Richard, you can find a great write up right here on Pulpit: http://www.sfpulpit.com/2007/06/04/the-age-of-accountability/
Dear Pastor John,
The first time I ever heard you teach on your radio program, my oldest was a teenager and she had 5 younger siblings. You were speaking on Biblical parenting, and your topic and the timing, couldn’t have been more pre-ordained.
I appreciate this post today, it’s a great reminder for Christian parents to keep the focus where the focus should be.
SDG,
Carla Rolfe
Richard,
John MacArthur has written a book devoted to infant salvation: Safe in the Arms of God: Truth From Heaven about the Death of a Child. It should give you the answer that you are looking for!
Richard,
I hope someone from John’s ministry responds to you, but I wanted to point out his book - Safe in the Arms of God: Truth from Heaven about the Death of a Child. This helped our family in the aftermath of a miscarriage, comforting me especially. In it, John uses Scripture to argue that even children who die before being capable of a knowledge of good and evil go to heaven (even if their parents are pagans) - by the grace of God, not because of any innate goodness.
Amen.
Hello Richard,
I am not Pastor John. But here are a my thoughts.
1. It is true we are all born sinners, and sin separates from God. So what must a person do to be separated from God? Obsolutely nothing because since the moment of conception we are defective (Psalm. 51:5).
2. I do think that there is an “age of accountability.” I think this is different for every child, and of course Scripture doesn’t state an age.
However, Isa. 7:16 states what I think is interesting - I realize this is reference to the Messiah, but it seems that it is stated with the understanding this is common to all children. Here it is: “For before the child shall know to refuse the evil, and choose the good,…”
I understand that to mean that there is a time in every child’s life where that child is conciously mature to be able to make, may I say so, a choice regarding good and evil.
I could be wrong, but my thinking is that before a child reaches that age, the child is covered by God’s grace.
Good article, I have seven children and any of us that are parents knows that those adorable little children smiling up at us are certainly little sinners. I’ve never yet had to teach one to do wrong because they were just so good. And it’s a good reminder to focus on the heart. It’s easy to fall into some of those approaches that don’t help.
Richard,
I thought your question was covered before so I searched and found in Parenting/Age of Accountability what may answer some of your questions. A lot of comments there too…
http://www.sfpulpit.com/2007/06/04/the-age-of-accountability/
john
This teaching of John MacArthur may be helpful to you, Richard.
http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/grace_to_you_video/
Click Broadcast Archives and then the down arrow to scroll to view Part 1 & 2 of Children and the Kingdom of God.
Richard,
For John’s full treatment of that issue (do depraved babies who die go to heaven?) you should also read John’s short book “Safe in the Arms of God.” I have passed this on to others who have lost a child to an early death. Having lost one myself in the early 90s, I would have loved to have had such a clear and concise book available to me at the time.
Blessings
Brian
Thank you for this! I’d just like to say that these points apply to adopted children as well as biological children.
Unfortunately, even within the Christian community of adoptive parents/families there is a tendency to dismiss these principles in favor of present-day psychology. So often families run to the local child psychologist or therapist only to walk away with a huge list of letters (ADD, RAD, ODD, etc.) attributed to the child’s unusual and/or challenging behavior–sinful responses adopted by the child in order to survive or ignore neglect and/or abuse.
For the Christian parent of adopted children, the principles you’ve hightlighted are foundational in addressing and correcting such challenges.
Great post. I dealt with this a great deal last year after the death of our daughter (21 weeks). I had several people (hyper-calvinists) tell me that my daughter went to hell. Obviously, I don’t believe that. A few weeks ago, I saw Pastor John talking about a new book on Calvinism and children that die. I checked on the site, but maybe I overlooked it. Does anyone have a link to it? I’d sure like to order.
Thanks
Richard and Michael,
For our treatment of that subject here on Pulpit, please see the link that John P. referred to HERE.
The discussion in the comments section is helpful, so be sure to peruse that as well.
Thanks,
NB
“No one is born truly innocent.” This I believe to be a FALSE statement. When babies are born, they have committed No sin, yes they have a proclivity for it, but every human being, saved or unsaved has a proclivity for it. You cannot tell me my 2 baby grandchildren were not innocent or pure. They were, they died before they committed any sins which would make them completely innocent. On the other hand, when we start talking, walking, we begin to realize how to get what we want. I know that I “sin” daily. And just what do we define as “sin”? I would really like to know.
Sky,
Psa 51:5 Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Rom 3:23 For ALL have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;
We are not sinners because we grow up and sin. We grow up and sin because we are sinners - from the beginning.
I would reference scripture but Daniel beat me to it.
Jeff
Sky should read the whole chapter of Romans 5.
I would have to say that I disagree with Dr. MacArthur. (something which I almost never do and only do it with reservation)
Babies are born in sin…depraved. There is nothing except wishful thinking to say that they have an “automatic pass” to Heaven. I realize that we wish for comfort in this but there is no clear evidence that this is so.
Babies are cute…no doubt about it…but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t born in sin…their nature is sin…
I’m not saying that they are automatically in Hell…there is a lot of speculation on this; that babies are elect, etc…I can’t say.
The only thing that I can say about the situation is “God will always be just; no matter what His decision”….
Just my two cents….
Here is something to consider, and I would really like to hear from John MacArthur on this point which has always been a question. I believe, though, that only God can answer it.
1. When David’s son died, he said he would go to him (2 Samuel 12:23).
2. When God judged nations, He told His people to kill man, woman, child, animals (one example Saul to kill all the Amalekites - 1 Samuel 15:3).
3. When God judged the Korah group He called them wicked and consumed them (Numbers 16:20-40).
Now here is the provoking thought. Would it be true that ALL babies go to heaven? God had chosen people and then He also considered some peoples evil and wicked. So, if a baby died to a ’saved’ ‘chosen’ ‘Christian’ man or woman or couple - in the case of David he was chosen of God and by what David said that he would go to him would indicate the child went to heaven. True? But, if a baby died from a wicked nation and God commanded that ALL be killed or in case of Korah’s “wicked” group, what makes the child special to go to heaven? if special, why would God call wicked and destroy? and since wicked/evil destined to hell, wouldn’t that mean the child followed in their parent’s footsteps?
In our present time, if a baby died to a satan worshipping couple and a baby died where either one or both parents were 100% chosen/saved by God, would both babies go to heaven?
Pastors like to preach that ALL babies go to heaven but the scripture does not tell us that - does it? and I think only God will be able to answer that question and not in our lifetime, perhaps when we get to the other side we will know the answer if that is something we would dare to question God about.
Jeri Stevens
You all are completly missing the whole point of the article. It is not about babies not going to heaven. It’s about parenting lost little sinners. If you are familiar with John’s work. He aligns himself with scripture stating that children DO go to be with the Father on a regular basis. We do not know at what point a child is held accountable for sin. That is up to the Lord.
A little helpful clarification.
Dave,
Just wondering…….where does it say in scripture that all or some babies go to be with the Lord if they die before they are able to comprehend the gospel and make a decision for themselves?
Scripture might give a specific example of one particular baby, but I am asking where does it address the issue of babies in general?
Dave - point made, and very well. You are 100% correct but I guess I was caught up in reading all of the responses and responded to responses! rather than the article.
Rules…….yes, we must follow man-made rules……..but never the leading of the Holy Spirit.
Isn’t that just like the church today………..man-made rules, but void of the Holy Spirit’s leading.
God-forbid someone should go off topic!!!!!!
Cindy,
Can’t believe that I’m falling for this but I have to ask. What makes you think……….
1) That respectfully asking (or in this case more hoping) one to stay on topic in a format dedicated to discussing topics is some kind of “man made rule” which, (I must infer by your statements) is somehow opposed to godliness?
2) What makes going off topic more Spirit led than staying on topic?
Unless your statements were intended to be taken “tongue in cheek”, please answer those two questions for me. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Patrick,
Thanks for responding for me, I would have responded but I wanted to “Stay on Topic”
You are a brave soul
Dave,
LOL, thanks.
You both are such brave souls, you sould both go serve in Iraq!
You two combined together might actually win the war!
Cindy,
Glad to see you checked back. Thanks for the compliment (I think). If you haven’t gotten a chance to read it, I posted a couple questions up there for you personally in response to something you said. If you get the time, could you respond if you care to? It would be good insight for me.Thanks.
Frankly Patrick I am surprised that you would even want to engage in a conversation with me when you somehow believe that you are “falling for this”…….whatever that means….see your post Nov 26 1:29pm.
If you believe this about me, then why are you interested in a response? I generally don’t respond well to sarcasm when I am trying to have a direct conversation with someone I don’t know very well.
I know Dr. MacArthur believes all babies go to heaven and so does Charles Stanley because he said it from the pulpit when I attended the church he pastors for 3 yrs. down in Atlanta. I don’t believe that because the Bible does not address that. It only addresses how sin enters the world through one man Adam and all are condemned because of that (Romans 5). It is not my call because I am not God to say if all babies or some babies go to Heaven……….I simply do not know because like I said the Bible does not address this specific issue. There are some things that we simply do not know even if we have vast theological training and experience under our belts.
And to address “going off topic”……..I have been reading Pulpit for over a year now and there are so many people who have gone off topic that it happens many times. “Going off topic” can be a subjective call and your call of “going off topic” was just that…….. addressing the issue of babies going to heaven is relative to this thread making it objective.
Hah, that’s funny you mentioned it. I am in IRAQ!
I am currently deployed, sorry Cindy, you are too late, I already am a brave soul. Going home soon though.
Take care and praying for you all.
DAVE