Let ‘Em Know or Let It Go?
November 13th, 2006
(By John MacArthur)
How do we know when to confront and when to quietly forgive and forget?
That’s a good question because most people seem to err on one side or the other. Some people think it is best to overlook every offense and take pride in their tolerance. However, Paul confronted the Corinthians for tolerating sin in the church and rebuked them for failing to deal with a man living in sin (1 Cor. 5).
On the other side of the issue are people who confront over any slight infraction and make themselves intolerable.
Are there any biblical principles to help us make the right choice? Yes! Here are six guidelines to help you know whether to quietly forgive or to lovingly confront.
1. Whenever possible, especially if the offense is petty or unintentional, it is best to forgive unilaterally. This is the very essence of a gracious spirit. It is the Christlike attitude called for in Ephesians 4:1-3. We are called to maintain a gracious tolerance (”forbearance”) of others’ faults. Believers should have a sort of mutual immunity to petty offenses. Love “is not easily angered” (1 Cor. 13:5). If every fault required formal confrontation, the whole of our church life would be spent confronting and resolving conflicts over petty annoyances. So for the sake of peace, to preserve the unity of the Spirit, we are to show tolerance whenever possible (see 1 Pet. 2:21-25; Mat. 5:39-40).
2. If you are the only injured party, even if the offense was public and flagrant, you may choose to forgive unilaterally. Examples of this abound in Scripture. Joseph (Genesis 37-50), David (2 Sam. 16:5-8), and Stephen (Acts 7:60) each demonstrated the unilateral forgiveness of Christ (Luke 23:34).
3. If you observe a serious offense that is a sin against someone other than you, confront the offender. Justice never permits a Christian to cover a sin against someone else. While we are entitled, and even encouraged, to overlook wrongs committed against us, Scripture everywhere forbids us to overlook wrongs committed against another (see Ex. 23:6; Deut. 16:20; Isa. 1:17; Isa. 59:15-16; Jer. 22:3; Lam. 3:35-36).
4. When ignoring an offense might hurt the offender, confront the guilty party. Sometimes choosing to overlook an offense might actually injure the offender (by allowing him to continue unwarned down a wrong path). In such cases it is our duty to confront in love (Gal. 6:1-2).
5. When a sin is scandalous or otherwise potentially damaging to the body of Christ, the guilty party should be confronted. Some sins have the potential to defile many people, and Scripture gives ample warning of such dangers (see Heb. 12:15; 3:13; 1 Cor. 5:1-5). In fact, Scripture calls for the church to discipline individuals who refuse to repent of open sin in the body, so that the purity of the body might be preserved (Matt. 18:15-20; 1 Cor. 5).
6. Lastly, any time an offense results in a broken relationship, confrontation of the sinner should occur. Any offense that causes a breach in relationships simply cannot be overlooked. Both the offense and the breach must be confronted, and reconciliation must be sought. And both the offended party and the offender have a responsibility to seek reconciliation (Luke 17:3; Matt. 5:23-24). There is never any excuse for a Christian on either side of a broken relationship to refuse to pursue reconciliation.
The only instance where such a conflict should remain unresolved is if all the steps of discipline in Matthew 18 have been exhausted and the guilty party still refuses to repent.
Good morning, John!
I understand what you have shared but question actual forgiveness being granted in the full sense when another requests it. Some religions make light of the consequence of sin, downplay the need for Christ by cancelling the offense from a human perspective, and draw attention to themselves by initiating a blanket of forgiveness(rather than being approached by humbled and seeking hearts).
On the cross, Jesus did ask God to forgive but wasn’t that in a sense of the immediate wrath of God rather than people being forgiven in the sense of sin debt accrued against Him? Having the spirit of forgiveness(some may call it “let go and let God” being mindful of our own need) with others when wronged allows God to work and avoids prideful human wrath building, long-term grudges, and personal revenge. The debt may remain yet the Holy Spirit has room to work unhindered in both those wronged and even those onlooking.
As a specific example of what is on my mind, can someone who wrongs several people in a very serious manner(let’s say murder) and commits suicide without words evident of repentance and seeking forgiveness able to be genuinely and fully “forgiven” from a human perspective? Can that person’s family be forgiven(they are family yet only learned of person’s hidden thoughts and the terrible deed resulting as it took place or afterwards)? Or in this example is it that those wronged and left to deal with the tragedy should have the “spirit of forgiveness”(yielding to let God be in control and the One sinned against in the ultimate sense) and even reach out in love to overcome evil with good. This doesn’t make light of the “wrong/sin” yet points others to the Almighty Judge and loving Lord and Savior? Is this thinking correct Biblically?
I’m grateful for help in understanding what God says and means!
Please forgive the poor edit: the last part of the first sentence should read “when another does not request it”.
Dear Joyce,
I suggest John’s book THE FREEDOM AND POWER OF FORGIVENESS. It answers some of the more difficult issues with illustrations. Very good book that has been helpful to me personally and in my ministry.
God bless,
Steve Lamm
Thanks for this great article. I often have this problem in my congregation where everyone thinks that the problem can be solved simply by letting it go, and never dealing with it. Hence, bitterness and resentment just keep growing. I recently preached about this. My criteria was this: if you can truly forgive and forget, then you can let it go. If you keep on remembering what that person did, then you need to reconcile. I think this is very similar to your 6th point. What do you think?
Lane
My first inclination to your question of “only when someone can truly forgive and forget” I honestly don’t think we can do this without Christ, so no one can forgive and forget without Christ and without the realization of what He did for us on the cross. We can only truly forgive when we get to a point in our lives like Isaiah did when he saw the holiness of Christ in Isaiah 6; only when he realized his sin in the midst of Christ was he able to realize his sin and then have the gift of forgiveness.
I would say that whether or not you feel you can forgive and forget you should rely on Christ to have you do this. So, if, like MacArthur says, it is “petty” you should allow “love to cover a multitude of sins” and rely on Christ’s power and not your flesh.
Make sense? Just a thought. Apart from Him we can do nothing…John 15
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What am I supposed to do in a situation where I as well as church leadership have approached a believer about their sin, and there has been no repentance, and the church has not pursued any disciplinary action. This believer is in open rebellion in refusing to forgive and reconcile with her spouse. She has chosen to view the marriage as non-existant, but openly states that she is right with God. How can that be? And is it right for the church to not intervene?
Please advise.
Dear Steve,
Your sharing the book suggestion is very appreciated; it will be very helpful! God bless you, too…
Because of Jesus,
Joyce
To Seth, of course you are right. No one can forgive without the power of the Holy Spirit. But being unwilling to forget is sometimes God’s way of telling us that reconciliation is necessary. I guess that was my point.
Lane.
Good thought and good question, it is sometimes hard to tell when it is the flesh being unwilling or the Spirit convicting.
In the end I guess we just give it over to God and know that He is sovereign.
If a person says something that is taken out of context and the other person interprets it the wrong way and tells the 1st person to avoid him and not to speak to him, How can the 1st person reconcile the misunderstanding if he is not allowed to speak to that person. The first person feels he is not responsible for the offense but asks for forgiveness anyway. How can he feel forgiven?
That is when we must understand who we really sin against and David points to that after he sleeps with Bathsheba and murders Uriah. Instead of apologizing to Bathsheba or Uriah’s family David writes what we know as Psalm 51 and says, “Against You, and You alone, God, have I sinned” It is good to ask and seek forgiveness from the individual but we must understand that really only sin against God’s holiness not man’s.
If restoration is not wanted by the person offended we should back off and not make things worse. Even if it was taken out of context. Make the point then move on after you have sought genuine reconciliation. Also, writing letters can also help so that the person doesn’t feel “attacked” to some degree.